I’m certain that if you polled 1000 people who battle severe chronic pain you would discover most have the following in common. When it comes to being in pain there is rarely any in between. Either you’re totally uncomfortable in pain. Or you’re in total zombie mode with limited pain. At least this has been my experience so far in my long journey.
The past 48 hours my pain has been greatly decreased. I can actually say it’s been consistently manageable. My stimulator is buzzing away the best it has up to this point. My old and new medications are working wonders as if I had a constant morphine drip inside. There is only one big problem I’m still miserable.
Each of my legs feel 100 pounds a piece. My head feels like it’s constantly spinning. I feel groggy and in need of sleep all day. In fact, it feels like an absolute chore just to get out of the bed and go to the bathroom. I’m praying this is just a season and I can either get used to the meds or get to quit taking them soon. I’ve certainly felt more depressed than encouraged. It’s either due to my meds or just the awareness of my condition. Who know maybe it’s a combo of both.
Deep within I’m far from giving up this fight towards recovery. Yet, I’ve had to wave my white flag admitting this battle is way bigger than me. I feel like a hostage inside of my own body. A lot in my life right now is not easy and could easily crush my spirit. I’m praying constantly and trusting God for my breakthrough. My legs ache and my heart hurts. I feel like I’m in the bottom of a deep well filled with water up to my eyeballs. All I can do is cry out to my God for help. So far, He has never let go of my hand or let me drown.
“You do what is right, so come to my rescue. Listen to my prayer and keep me safe.” Psalm 71:2
All my medications have one big thing in common. They affect my mood and mind from sun up to sun down. Often I don’t even feel like the same person I used to be. However, I know underneath it all I’m still here. I just don’t like the way any of it makes me feel.
My stimulator is working as well as ever. My overall pain has been very manageable the past few days. Yet, the trade off is I feel like I’m living in slow motion. My ability to process things is so much harder. My ability to enjoy anything is so much harder. My legs feel like they keep getting weaker and weaker.
I don’t need anyone to tell me I have permanent nerve damage in my lower body. Just a short walk feels like I’ve got 90 year old legs. Sure, I wonder if it will always be this way. Even more unsettling is pondering how much worse could things become over time. The “what if” questions could drive anyone crazy. Yet, worrying about things you can’t control changes nothing.
Jesus said, “And which of you by worrying can add one hour to his life’s span? So if you are not even able to do a very little thing [such as that], why are you worried about the rest? Consider the lilies and wildflowers, how they grow [in the open field]. They neither labor nor spin [wool to make clothing]; yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory and splendor dressed himself like one of these. But if this is how God clothes the grass which is in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You of little faith! So as for you, do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink; nor have an anxious and unsettled mind. For all the [pagan] nations of the world greedily seek these things; and your [heavenly] Father [already] knows that you need them. But [strive for and actively] seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
I started my blood pressure meds yesterday evening. I’m happy to say it’s now totally under control. I don’t like the way it makes me feel, but I’m told that wears off after awhile. Either way I know the alternative of not taking it is much worse than taking it. I just hated adding one more medication to my already long list.
Other than being woken up early by my morning medicine alarm I slept almost 11 hours. I’m so happy to not have the headache I had when I went to bed last night. I feel winded and my nerves are still a little shaky. But, I believe my body just needs a little more time to settle down and recover. I am someone who always listens and obeys any doctor’s orders.
Overall, it was just another wake up call where God put me in the right place at the right time. At the time my blood pressure hiked I did have a lot on my mind. You can only live in great pain and under great pressure but so long. It was all just tackling me at once and I’m so glad God has eased much of my anxiety. However, I’m still in the process of making major life adjustments in an effort towards hopefully discovering a much healthier me. I firmly believe that you must always be seeking to be healthy before you try to be helpful to others.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I’m ok getting something to eat and then heading home to get the blood pressure meds they are putting me own. Said they believe my high level pain for so long has definitely taken its toll. I’m still very light headed but the Valium has helped my anxiety. I was so scared for s short while as I just didn’t see my breakdown coming. I will feel much better once I start the blood pressure meds! Thanks for all your prayers!
Earlier I arrived at my scheduled appointment with my back surgeon. We didn’t even get started talking about my health before I knew they needed to check my blood pressure ASAP. My face was flush and I felt extremely light headed. In addition my legs were just aching and trembling. Plus my right shoulder was throbbing with pain surging throughout my arm. The second it was checked the nurse said we’ve got to get you to an ER or Urgent Care.
I felt something going on prior to my arrival that I knew just wasn’t right. They were surprised my blood pressure could be so high considering I had already taken an emergency only Valium 55 minutes earlier. My doctor dialogued with me briefly and then I just lost it. My tears were more than someone hurting or afraid. They were tears of brokenness. I have to admit that I’ve finally hit my absolute breaking point.
This has been building for days and one might say over the past 34 months. But, this time God has sent me a clear memo. I can’t at this time take anything lightly and must make some major adjustments to find any greater healing. My humanity has reared it’s ugly ahead. I will be making some immediate changes so please keep me in your prayers. I’m much calmer right this moment as they say I’ll be waiting in this room for 20-25 minutes. With God’s help I will be alright. But, only God can heal the brokenness that consumes me. I will keep you all informed as I become informed. But, it just does me good to process just a glimpse of my struggle and emotion.
I’ve been up since 5am due to a body that continues to fail me. However, I’m thrilled God woke me up another day. I know there is not a day that He has created for me that’s not purposeful. As long as there is breath within me I’m looking forward as I seek His good, pleasing, and perfect will. This doesn’t mean it’s easy, but everything done in Christ is worth it.
As I start a brand new week I’m asking God to lead my every thought, attitude, and action. I’m putting my every fear, failure, and doubt in His hands. In fact, I’m sure I will have to keep doing this throughout the day and the week ahead. My highest goal is to walk with God. I don’t want to take one step that doesn’t come with His full blessing.
So, even on a Monday when I barely feel I can get out of bed I rejoice. God woke me up for a purpose so that I can live out His purpose. Lord take my life and make it a love offering for you. Continue to make me more like You whatever that takes. May others see Jesus in and through me. Let that be the case starting inside my home and beyond. Thank you for another day to get it right by letting You lead.
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)
Wow! The past few days have not been kind to my health. My heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest. Yesterday and today my blood pressure has been very high for me. I’ve felt light headed off and on. And, no I’m not taking any of what’s going on lightly. In fact, I would be lying if I didn’t say it all has me very concerned.
Tomorrow, I have a 2:15 doctor’s appointment already so I will address the blood pressure concerns with him. Just a lot on my mind, on my plate, and going on inside of my body. All I can do is take every possible precautionary step towards watching my health. Of course, if my blood pressure remains high for days then I’m sure I would have to add another medication to my present pill box.
Anyhow, just keep me in your prayers. I feel nauseous, my skin feels flushed with nerve pain, and I keep having bouts of light headiness. Sometimes all you can do is pray, pray, and pray some more. Others who battle with such health issues know very well what I’m talking about. Because of all I’ve seen throughout my years in ministry I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I will keep you all informed as I become informed. However, on a side note at least my itching seems under control for now. God bless you all.